Thursday, 21 April 2011

Why I am not a moronarchist...

Be the inferior to no one, nor of any one be the superior’
William Saroyan

Anyone else wondering whether their invite has somehow gotten lost in the post? We’re paying for this bash, after all, ours should be landing on the doormat any day now, right?

Of course, it will not. They don’t mind the plebs paying for it, but have the plebs hang around at the party, causing an eyesore? Not likely, chum.

While the majority of us have lost out – through pay freezes, job loss and no fault of our own – during the global economic crisis, the top 1000 richest in this country saw their wealth rise by 77bn in 2009. The Duke of Westminster’s didn’t stay stable or even lose a little value: he’s the third richest person in the country and saw his wealth rise by £6,750 million; that’s up four per cent, folks. Since he’s got it floating around, couldn’t he stick a few quid behind the bar?

Lots of people say, ‘oh, leave off the royal family, they do a lot for charity, y’know?.’ If I was an unemployed multi-millionaire, I’d do a lot for charity, too. Actually, I’m a scumbag-squatter but I do work for a charity, and manage to get there everyday without the aid of a chauffeur – many fine people do. That they are themselves a charity should negate any charitable work they do; why not cut out the middle man and give the cash straight to those in need? This might avoid parties, palaces and peacocks being skimmed off the top.

‘Yes, but what about the tourism, man? Don’t forget the tourism.’ It is as patronising as it is insulting to the entire nation to suggest that were it not for the Windsors people would not flock to our isle - that the entire sum of our cultural worth resides in the crown and its cronies. France doesn’t have a monarchy but plenty of people go to Paris to see the Louvre; I hear the food’s half-decent too.

We Brits love democracy. We’re mired in misadventure all around the world, blowing up foreigners and putting our own sons and daughters in danger for its name. Yet, in our own country, we’re happy with the hypocrisy of having a picture of a lady on our stamps and sterling who believes she deserves to be there by divine right - because God said so. And simply because, for as long as we care to remember, it has always been so. Doesn’t democracy deserve better? Are we so unimaginative?

Finally, a matter of taste: some people have pointed out that protesting on someone’s Big Day is, y’know, a bit anti-social. But not nearly as anti-social as snubbing the very people who helped to pay for those fancy invites, surely? The super rich have a choice: invite everyone to the party or be prepared for gatecrashers…

“People who enjoy waving flags don’t deserve to have one…”

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